I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
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well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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