Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
