oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
