Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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