Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
