Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
