you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
