dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
