I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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