If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
only if we run a train.
done.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
