I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
