Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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