I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
