So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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