I've blown a few things in my day
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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