Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
