i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dignity is for republicans.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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