you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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