Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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