I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
