The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
