You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
