so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
