I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
