sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
