Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
