drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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