Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she smelled like a LAN party
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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