I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
