I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?