Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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