DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
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Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
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He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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