i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
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I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
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Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed