i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
