I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
