If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
