smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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