Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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