I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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