every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
