just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
