i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
