well I can't set my house on fire every night
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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