A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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