do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
