yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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