did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
