somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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