nut hugger
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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