I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
