I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
