apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
