i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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