apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
