I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
