I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
