at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
