Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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