Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
