god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
